Thursday Thoughts

I'm not sure if it's Naomi's impending 2nd birthday or simply that the Lord is highlighting places in my heart that still need healing, but I have been having numerous flashbacks this week to our time in the hospital when Naomi was first born.

They aren't fond memories, like many have of their first child being born. I mourn that they aren't. My flashbacks are painful, the things I think nightmares are made of. I feel a little sick to my stomach when I relive those days for split seconds at a time, whether through an actual picture or in my mind. Needles and monitors and horrific news and my tiny little baby there on the hospital bed, I'm unable to even touch her. I don't think I've ever spoken to anyone in depth about what that was like for me. I was completely numb at the time. I didn't know how to even say what I was feeling. The processing didn't begin to happen until we drove home as a family of 3 for the first time. It was so surreal. It still is at some points.

I mention all that because the Lord's been talking to me this week about what he really means about healing the brokenhearted, the crushed in spirit, and binding up their wounds.

When I catch myself drifting back to those dark days, I have begun asking the Lord what he wants to do "here" in my heart in regards to those memories. I believe him when he says he does heal the brokenhearted, so what does that look like for my heart?

I know he is stitching me up, because most of the fear has been removed from my memories, but the pain is still there, and it's still a little more than just tender, so the wound is still open in some places. That's a good indicator for me that it's not completely good and healed. I really refuse to accept that I am supposed to live with gaping wounds from my past. I'm not. You're not. For freedom, we are free.

As a daughter of the Almighty, I believe he's provided me the ability to walk in complete freedom over pain of my past, even if my present and future haven't been reconciled completely. So, I guess I don't really know how that will happen for me. Maybe it comes with sharing openly about it more, I really don't know. But I'm ready and open.

I'm thankful for the awareness that it's not all right quite yet, but acknowledging that it's not and inviting God to put even more salve on all my hurts gives him more room and permission to finish the work he started in me.

I don't understand the glory of the Lord and the ways he glorifies himself through various circumstances, but I crave his glory so deeply in my life. What a crushing victory over the enemy to be able to dance with abandon atop our pasts. What an inheritance to behold as a child of God. What a God.

"And we know that God causes everything to work for good for those who love Him..."
-Romans 8:28