Thursday Thoughts

I'm not sure if it's Naomi's impending 2nd birthday or simply that the Lord is highlighting places in my heart that still need healing, but I have been having numerous flashbacks this week to our time in the hospital when Naomi was first born.

They aren't fond memories, like many have of their first child being born. I mourn that they aren't. My flashbacks are painful, the things I think nightmares are made of. I feel a little sick to my stomach when I relive those days for split seconds at a time, whether through an actual picture or in my mind. Needles and monitors and horrific news and my tiny little baby there on the hospital bed, I'm unable to even touch her. I don't think I've ever spoken to anyone in depth about what that was like for me. I was completely numb at the time. I didn't know how to even say what I was feeling. The processing didn't begin to happen until we drove home as a family of 3 for the first time. It was so surreal. It still is at some points.

I mention all that because the Lord's been talking to me this week about what he really means about healing the brokenhearted, the crushed in spirit, and binding up their wounds.

When I catch myself drifting back to those dark days, I have begun asking the Lord what he wants to do "here" in my heart in regards to those memories. I believe him when he says he does heal the brokenhearted, so what does that look like for my heart?

I know he is stitching me up, because most of the fear has been removed from my memories, but the pain is still there, and it's still a little more than just tender, so the wound is still open in some places. That's a good indicator for me that it's not completely good and healed. I really refuse to accept that I am supposed to live with gaping wounds from my past. I'm not. You're not. For freedom, we are free.

As a daughter of the Almighty, I believe he's provided me the ability to walk in complete freedom over pain of my past, even if my present and future haven't been reconciled completely. So, I guess I don't really know how that will happen for me. Maybe it comes with sharing openly about it more, I really don't know. But I'm ready and open.

I'm thankful for the awareness that it's not all right quite yet, but acknowledging that it's not and inviting God to put even more salve on all my hurts gives him more room and permission to finish the work he started in me.

I don't understand the glory of the Lord and the ways he glorifies himself through various circumstances, but I crave his glory so deeply in my life. What a crushing victory over the enemy to be able to dance with abandon atop our pasts. What an inheritance to behold as a child of God. What a God.

"And we know that God causes everything to work for good for those who love Him..."
-Romans 8:28

Ezekiel pt. 2

If you didn't catch my last post, it was all about how we thought our daughter Naomi was going to be a boy that we would name Ezekiel. We were obviously wrong in the natural sense, but as we continue to grow in hearing the Lord and contending for Naomi's healing, we see the name Ezekiel was very intentional.

If I'm being honest, I can't really figure out a good segue into what I want to say (I've been sitting here typing and re-typing for like last 25 minutes with no progress). So I guess I'll just go for it!

Due to Naomi's birth injuries, she's been significantly delayed in all areas, especially physically. You can imagine how difficult it has been for us as her parents to see other children several months her junior meet all the milestones we've been believing for her for 19 months. That's something I don't talk about often because I treasure so deeply the joys of other parents and their children, and I want to help them rejoice in their miracles without drawing attention to my heartache. Though with each sincere shout of joy for another child's success, I get the opportunity to be more like Jesus, and what an opportunity that is.

Kevin and I, along with family and therapists, have worked worked worked tirelessly with Naomi for months, with multiple therapy visits each week, with what seemed like to us not a whole lot of payoff (that is not to say there wasn't any, we have seen lots of awesome things from Naomi!). We didn't understand why our work wasn't getting her healed. We were tired. Naomi was tired. I was angry that my baby had to work harder than most adults to do the things most all of us take for granted. I kept thinking, "God, this is not freedom. This is not freedom! You died for my freedom, for Naomi's freedom."

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free..." -Galations 5:1

A few definitions of freedom from the Oxford Dictionary:

• The state of not being imprisoned or enslaved
• The state of being physically unrestricted and able to move easily
• The state of not being subject to or affected by (a particular undesirable thing)

This is exciting! I didn't plan to go here when I started writing a bit ago. Maybe the Lord wants to talk to you and me about freedom today.

I can only speak from my experience, and that experience for me is that having a child with special needs, or a child that's sick, or having any kind of physical or mental limitation, is not freedom. Not that there isn't joy found in these moments, but that's the grace of God, being able to rejoice under trial until freedom comes. 

There's so much Naomi hasn't been able to do (yet) and because of that, there's so much we haven't been able to do as a family, things our hearts are aching to do. This isn't the heart of the Father, you guys. If you don't get anything else out of this post, I hope you get that. We serve a good Dad and we are living in a new covenant where Jesus died for every sin and every hardship and every single sickness. God put all that junk on Jesus so that we would be able to get the opportunity to live in the already but not yet, the Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven. It's simply that you can be totally unrestricted that you are free. Freedom for freedom's sake. Thank you, Jesus!

Ok, so...Ezekiel. Ezekiel means "God strengthens." After months and months of laboring with and for Naomi in the natural and the spiritual, we were dog tired. Totally drained in every sense of the word.

God kept bringing up the name Ezekiel to us. We thought, "Oh, maybe this is for the season we are in," and I think that's partially true. I seriously couldn't have made it even a week into motherhood without the Lord strengthening me. 

But then God spoke to Kevin a few weeks back. After doing physical therapy with Naomi and not seeing a whole lot of progress, Kev asked God something like, "God, we know you want to heal our girl, so why isn't our work working?" He felt like God simply shed new light on Ezekiel for us, "Kevin, I give Naomi strength. I am strengthening her. I am her healer." That's not word for word, but that's the gist of it. And I can't speak for Kev, but that took so much pressure off me. God's like, it's not dependent on your work... your work is simply to believe in me (see John 6:29). 

The cool thing is Naomi's brain does create new pathways when we work with her, but only God can breathe complete life back into lifeless places. God delights to raise the dead, spiritually, mentally, physically. He's just looking for someone who would dare to believe he could.

I'm daring to believe. For my freedom, for Naomi's freedom, and for the freedom for the countless others that will be touched by her story.

Guys, I only know what I've experienced and what the Lord has taught me. It's my hope that a) our lives would be a living testimony to God's goodness and b) that our words and actions would glorify the Father. I feel totally inadequate to share anything of such depth, but God's prompting me to get it out. If anything I said ignites anything positive or negative in you, I'd love to visit more. Please feel free to email us at skillernpad at gmail dot com and we'll get back to you as soon as time allows!

Bless you!!!

Adrienne

Ezekiel - The Lord Strengthens

We thought Naomi was going to be a boy when she was born, even though the ultrasound said girl. Here's a little (LONG) backstory to our assumption, which continues to be clarified as the weeks go by. Yay, God!

I really struggled with depression during pregnancy without realizing. I thought I just didn't like being pregnant.* It was confusing, as I always wanted to be pregnant and be a mom. My spirit felt very desolate and my mind was tired. During this time, when I was about 4 or 5 months pregnant, Kevin and I transitioned to a new church by the Holy Spirit's prompting. One Sunday, a prophetic leader in our church got up and gave a word to the congregation from Ezekiel 37, the valley of the dry bones. I can't remember his exact words, but what I took from it was that the Lord has empowered us as believers to speak newness into the dead and dry places in our lives. After feeling like I had been in a spiritual desert for several months, my soul and spirit lapped up this refreshing news.

My accidental quarterly update

Are you surprised I haven't written in 3 months? Me neither! I wish I had all the time in the world to meet up with every person who might read this, because there's just something so good about sitting across from someone in the flesh and sharing vulnerably about what the Lord is up to. It's one of my most favorite things to do.

So this is a little update for the folks who I just don't get to see or visit with much.

The last three months have been such a blur of activity both in our spiritual lives and our physical lives.

I know I have not been very candid about Naomi's story on the internet, and I still feel okay about that. But in short, as a vague background, because of multiple complications during birth, Naomi has been significantly delayed in most areas of development, except the development of adorableness and being the kindest, most forgiving babe in the world (and her hair...she's got a lot of that!).
I'd love to talk to you more in person about her journey and tell you the crazy things God's doing in and through her little body. It's been an incredibly humbling journey with the Lord as we pursue His will for her life, His desire for her total health and restoration in this life, and how He wants us to share His desires for her with everyone in need, because it's for everyone!

I say all that as a preface, because Naomi has made some huge leaps in her physical therapy that have been nothing short of miraculous. We spent 5 days in the hospital in the beginning of December with Naomi as she was recovering from a very severe case of pneumonia, enterovirus, and rhinovirus at the same time. We couldn't understand why we were at the hospital AGAIN and why our girl has had to go through more than most adults ever have, but like God does, He brought greatness from sadness. We got chances to love on and and pray for other parents and kids in the PICU, and in general just seek the Lord even harder in the spiritual darkness of a hospital. We went in with a sick girl and left with a more lively, squirmy, and physically stronger baby than we came in with (and I mean, stronger than she was before she even came down with those illnesses mentioned above). God used her time in the hospital to develop muscle strength and tone, despite her laying in a bed for the better part of 5 days. That's our God. Her head and neck control is almost completely restored, she has positive weight bearing throughout her legs when we help her stand, and she even attempted to TAKE STEPS at therapy the other day while we were holding her up. GUYS. She has made more progress in the last month than in the last year. And we can't even say, "Oh, it's because of therapy or all the work we do at home with her," because she was sick for so long we literally missed weeks of therapy and didn't work with her at home for the same amount of time. It's not out of our work. God continues to breath His strength into her and she just keeps getting better. I don't have a grid for what God's going to do through our girl, but gosh, I am humbled and honored that He's taking us with Him. Would you join us in prayer for continued progress in all areas of Naomi's life? Our prayers our powerful and effective. We've seen the fruit of thousands of prayers on ours and Naomi's behalves.

Kevin and I have been taking a class every Thursday night through our church called School of Kingdom Ministry (SoKM). WHERE DO I EVEN START?! Everyone in the world needs to take this class. Google School of Kingdom Ministry and then let me know if it interests you. I will get you in touch with the right folks! In the words of Tulsa's finest rock n' roll group Copy Copy, it's like a mind castle during every class. We are learning so much about who God really is. Spoiler alert: He's better than you could ever imagine! Most days I'm doing good to hold on to 1 out of many revelations I get during our teachings and activations. 26 years of belief is totally being shaken, broken, weeded through, thrown out, refined, restored, and renewed. I feel like I'm being born again over and over and over through this class. The Word of God is finally coming alive and making sense for the first time in my life, and my purpose of Kingdom ministry and life is becoming increasingly clear and harder to ignore. Guys, if you feel the tug of the Lord into a lifestyle deeper and more meaningful than what you're currently experiencing, I am certain this class will help guide you into something greater.

I realize my long paragraph on SoKM is kind of vague - just another reason we need to chat over a hot cup of tea (coffee hurts my stomach). So much to talk about!

I know there is a lot I left out of this post, but these are the two big things happening with the Skillern trio right now.

I'll leave you with a little number from I book I'm reading by Jack Frost called Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship. It spoke to exactly the part of my heart that desires to know experience God as my Father:

"God is love. And feeling secure as sons and daughters in his fatherly embrace is what everything in creation is all about. The Kingdom of Heaven is all about love, joy, and peace, and being free from fear, insecurity, and anxiety. Perfect love is what characterizes Heaven, and God's perfect unconditional fatherly love is available to you each day - no fear, anxiety, anger, bitterness, hurt feelings, or resentment."

That's the big Love I want and need. That's the kind of love that takes spiritual orphans and makes them sons and daughters again. That kind of love brings freedom.

If you made it to the end of this ridiculously long post, thanks for taking the time to read! I can't wait to share more of our story as it continues to unfold.

Rescuer

Yesterday, I was running an errand for work when I got to thinking about the ways God speaks to His children. I recounted a gal from our life group saying how God often speaks to her through billboards, movies, etc. "How creative and personal you are, God," I thought. He knows what gets our attention. God knew my heart was longing to be open to seeing Him however He wanted to speak. I need those little breakthroughs of Heaven in my day to help me keep pressing on.

I was simultaneously listening to a new worship album I found a couple weeks back by John Mark and Sarah McMillan. In one of my faves from the album, Heart Won't Stop, it reads:

I could lay my head in Sheol
I could make my bed at the bottom of the darkness deep
Oh, but there is not a place I could escape You
Your heart won't stop coming after me

Maybe it's what we've been learning in our School of Kingdom Ministry class (more on that later!) about the kingdom being already but not yet, or the kingdom has come and is coming, but as I heard those words in the song, I had the most vivid scene flash through my mind. Jesus, clothed in fierce love and kindness, running towards darkness while pulling all of heaven behind Him. He penetrates the darkness and grabs hold of me as I'm running to Him (you, your situation, my family, your family, etc.), taking back what has been stolen, what is rightfully His. Darkness cannot overcome Him. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for such a passionate Redeemer. There is not a place too dark, too broken, too evil, that He cannot restore.

As I snapped back to reality, I looked straight ahead at the car in front of me. A red truck whose license plate read clear as day: RESCUER

Sweet confirmation just seconds after such a moving picture from Jesus. It's like He said, "Yep! That picture was from me, and that scene really is happening every single day. I've come and I'm coming for you! I'm the Rescuer."

Jesus, we have eyes, let us see. We have ears, let us hear. May we surrender our expectations of how you do things and just grow in expectancy that you will and are still moving and speaking.